You Have to Know What You Want Before You Can Have IT!

I was doing an interview with a journalist today (it still makes me giggle to say that by the way).  She asked me what type of advice I would give in different challenging relationship situations (i.e., co-workers, partners, other moms).  As we went through each scenario, she was a bit surprised to realize the answer is always the same.

Before you can expect a relationship to change, you first have to become very clear on what you want from that relationship.  It is impossible to experience a shift in your relationship with anyone unless you first understand how you want to feel with this person.

So often we get very clear on what we no longer want to experience but fail to spend an equal or greater amount of time deciding what we do want to experience.  Simply shifting our language from the negative (what we don’t want) to the positive (what we do want) can have a profound effect on the way we experience life.

What we focus on creates our reality. 

“I like when my husband appreciates me” carries a very different energy than

“It makes me mad when my husband doesn’t appreciate everything I do!” 

If you’d like to test this out, think about a relationship that has been challenging you.  Write out what you would love to experience in this relationship.  Now feel that feeling – whether it’s kindness, compassion, appreciation or love.  Hold that feeling close to your heart.  When you find yourself focusing on what you don’t want, go back to the list of what you do want.

Then watch the magic unfold…

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6 comments to You Have to Know What You Want Before You Can Have IT!

  • Patty, that is so true. I have been doing that with Paul and it is working. I am also watching my words since they have more power. Instead of saying that he is being difficult, I have been saying that we are agreeing on things bit by bit and that is exactly what is happening! Elpida

  • Linda

    Great words to live by, if you can. I was optimistic when I first began to read your post. But as good as it is and as promising as it is, you would just need to know the person I struggle with. LOL

    My first thought was, “I want distance.” then “I want to detach completely and not care enough to even think about his controlling, self-centered, rude, verbally and emotionally abusive, and jealous of everything good with me, self.” Then I realized, you’re sending a positive message on how to make something work better and make you happy. *sigh

    I’ve got to sit and mull over my thoughts with your message and see how I can put an absolute positive spin on it for me. :)

    • Patty Lennon

      Linda – Thank you for sharing so courageously here. I know there are many women who will share your sentiment. I don’t underestimate how hard it may be to hold a positive focus but I can assure you that when I’ve done it for myself it really does create magic.

  • I have reached a place in my life where my relationships with my husband and children are good. I don’t need to put myself first in that arena. I am happy with where I put myself (equal) now. Though in years past I put myself last and that was a big nmistake.
    But your advice about shifting the focus of how we express our desires from the negative to the positive really struck me as something I can work on. And I intend to. Thanks.

    • Patty Lennon

      You are so right Regina, once I became used to prioritizing my needs my family shared that #1 space because caring for their needs was part of my priorities and filled me up. It is only when I was depleted that I had to really focus on my well being first.

      I appreciate that even in the balance you hold in your life you are seeing the possibility for “more” and “better”. Everyone benefits from “more and better” when its part of the internal journey – like “more” peace, “even better” moments. Every juicy moment can get juicier when we lean into it and simply stay focused on what we love.

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